Time and change will surely show..

Nov. 27, 2011

Around central Ohio, Buckeye fans rallied around the number 2,926. The number of days it’s been since the University of Michigan beat Ohio State in football. Personally, there’s been another number in my mind – 1,251, the number of days I’ve gone without a full-time job. OSU's streak ended this past weekend, mine ends Dec. 5.

During that span a lot of things happened. Our PT friend Jessi, Kylie, Miss Beth or even Miss Elaine (Nathan’s teacher before Miss Beth) have known me to have a real job. Neither has anyone at equine assisted therapy, adapted swimming, gymnastics, conductive ed, intensive therapy or for most intents and purposes anyone at our church, known me to receive a regular paycheck.

I’ve cautiously embraced the role of taking care of Nathan. I drove him to therapies, doctor appointments, to-and-from school, conductive education, intensive therapy, etc. You name it, I’ve probably driven there. I had to overcome my fear of being a full-time babysitter, in charge of feeding, naps, diapers, medicines and general well-being.

I sent out dozens upon dozens of resumes, completed application after application. I had a small share of interviews, but could never get over the hump. I’m one that rejection doesn’t sit well. It quickly effects my mood, confidence and self-worth. But whenever I would get down, Nathan was always there letting me know he wouldn’t want it any other way.

It was that mindset that convinced me to celebrate in Nathan’s victories and to create an outlet to share his victories, through the creation of this site. The world may be rejecting me, but Nathan still strives ahead. As Nathan builds skills, I tried to keep my skills sharp too. I started living through him. If he had a good day, I had a god day. If you read the posts where Nathan struggles, you can see that it effects my mood/tone a lot harder than it would most people.

After the good feeling I leave an interview, only to be turned down, I’d comfort myself saying, “I guess it’s not God’s will.” “God must want me to still work with Nathan.” It’s that same mindset that I struggle now comprehending as well. Is God really confident in where Nathan is that he doesn’t need me now like he did? Have I done everything I could, and now I’m better going back to playing a lesser role in his progress?

While I had a full-time position before, I had the mindset that my job was to fund his progress, and leave his growth to the experts. I now know that I still need to be a fighter for Nathan and an active part of keeping him moving forward. I have to admit there will be some serious separation anxiety (at least for me) once my first day rolls around.

One thing that will make it a little easier (for me, not Annette) is my first day of work will be his first day of another session of intensive therapy down in Cincinnati. I’m not dropping him off with someone else, I’m leaving him in his loving mother’s arms. The two-hour trips which we figured I would drive, and Annette would accompany us whenever possible, will now only be possible with her doing all the work on her own. I feel like I’m abandoning them, only hoping it’s for the greater good.

My new position is only fully-funded through June of 2012, so nothing is permanent, which has its good and bad sides. Good, that if we need to make a change, we can – but bad that the worry that comes with finances will become a factor again in the not too distant future.

I’m hoping (and planning) on continuing the website and weekly postings even after the job starts. I’m already thinking about the little victories I’ll miss, only hearing about and not be right there to witness. I don’t fear that Nathan will ever give up, but hopes he works as hard to share his special moments with others.

Thank you to all of you who have supported and encouraged all of us over the last 3½ years. We wouldn’t be where we are now without all of your support: spiritually, emotionally and financially. There were some very rough times, but God has helped us through, and we still lean on Him to help us use our resources wisely and prudently.

Signs are pointing to 2012 being a year of change, and we are all praying changing for the better. For once, my confidence is on the rise, I’m hoping not at the expense of anyone else’s. Both OSU's and my number will have been completely reset. It's a time for new beginnings and surging ahead. It’s time to start banking harder on faith, saying a few extra prayers at night, and let Nathan shine his light forging the way for all of us.

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