Life without training wheels

Oct. 23, 2011

I’m the first to admit, when it comes to parenting I don’t know what I’m doing. I still remember sitting with Nathan in the rocking chair when he was only months old. I’d look at him and wonder how long it would be before he knew I didn’t know what I was doing. I figured he would soon be counting the days until he was 18 and could be from me.

Instead, he’s grown closer and closer to me. He jumps when I sneeze, and gets fussy if I go too far away. Over time, I’ve enjoyed his attraction to me, sometimes too much. I’ve taken on the role of protector and shield and have tried to do everything I can to protect him from harm, perhaps even more emotionally and psychologically than physically.

Somehow I’ve felt that if I never let others say or treat him like he had deficiencies that he’d not let that influence how far he could go or what he could do. I’ve grown accustomed to answering anyone who asks Nathan a question, trying not letting on that he can’t answer for himself. Somehow, I thought I knew everything that’s going on in his head, how he feels and how he would answer the question himself. The truth still remains, how much do I really know?

After his fall a few months ago, I learned the harsh reality that I can’t be that protector all the time, and sometimes he doesn’t want me to be. He isn’t asking me to leave, but realizing he also needs his own space. He needs to try things for himself. There are times when he needs to learn how to fall, (nothing that leads to physical harm.) He needs to learn that choices have consequences and he must think before acting, (a lesson his dad hasn’t fully conquered to date.) There comes a time to stop responding so quickly with excuses why he can’t do something and start working with him to overcome the obstacle at hand.

Lately, he and I have had some battles of will. I think he no longer takes me for granted and I’m learning how to make both of us a little stronger. I try to present him with challenges, sometimes things he can do, other times things which he may not succeed… at least not today. I see both of us growing, and being challenged. I stop overprotecting, he stops acting so reliant on me and taking on the desire to be more independent. As he pushes his limits with me, I hear stories from school and other places on working on things, that with a lot less assistance, he’s moving forward (literally.) He’s growing and expanding some of his horizons.

For years, Nathan showed many of us, that he’ll take all the support you give him and expect that same support until he’s forced to work without it. He pushes the limits, tests the boundaries, and time after time has come through better on the other side.

Last weekend, we repainted our basement, one of the last steps in a project almost 10 years in the making. Over the past six months, we completed projects with the ceiling and encasing the sump pump, but painting was finally making the space our own. I used muscles that I hadn’t worked in a while, and there was some hurt I faced. During the process Annette kept telling me how much she liked the new color, but all I saw was the work put in to doing it. Two days later, I stopped and looked around, saw what a difference we had made, and could finally enjoy it for my own.

It’s with this perspective, I plan on tackling Nathan’s battles. A little pain, some awkward challenges, active persistence, and taking the time to see where we’ve come. If Nathan is to thrive in his life, I have to determine the time to take off the training wheels. My job shouldn’t be to keep him from falling, but to make sure I’m there to help him back up. Bumps and bruises are all part of being a boy, it’s the lessons learned, strength and confidence gained, and desire to do more, which helps us all grow up to be stronger men.

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