Me and my shadow

Feb. 27, 2011

Over the past several years, Nathan and I have spent a lot of time together. In his infant months/year I was very afraid of babies. Somehow I feared I would break, bang, bonk or drop them, making them hate me forever. It wasn’t a problem for me to change a diaper, try to give a bottle, or put in the car seat (although there was the fear I wouldn’t do that right either) but trying to interact, calm, play with or teach I didn’t feel was within me. It was a sad accomplishment when I turned to Annette and said, “Nathan’s 9-months old and I haven’t injured him once!”

After Nathan was diagnosed, I decided that my job was to find a way to pay for what he needed. I couldn’t “fix” him myself, but if I could fund a way for others to help him, that’s the role I needed to play. My presence at therapies and such was scarce, making Annette do all of the running, rearranging her schedule. But that made my appearances all the more special.

I was selfish but it made me feel good to hear therapists and others talk about needing a picture of Dad when I wasn’t there to make him smile or motivate. Still I thought my place was to be at arms length and out of the way of the progress made by others.

Summer of 2008, when I wasn’t employed full-time anymore, was a huge reality shift for me. Not only was I no longer in a position to be able to fund anything for him, but there was no reason for Annette to take time away from work (our only source of income) when I didn’t have anywhere else to be.

I started my new role of chauffeur thinking I’d try to make the most of my time, but confident it would only be a temporary thing. Coming up on three years later, my perspective has changed and both Nathan’s and my lives are better for it.

An “average week” for Nathan and I still consists of around 8-10 hours of just the two of us in the car: coming or going to school, therapies, appointments, swimming, or running to the grocery store. He is very observant of when I grab my shoes and it’s just a question of where we’re goin’, not if he’s going too.

For the past several weeks, and for a few more to come, Annette and my “night out” has been put on hold while our babysitter helps out her family. This means more time together, and less going out without him. Annette’s mom came down the last part of last week, to watch Nathan while Annette and I attended a class on learning how to use the new communication device.

She came down Thursday night when I was scheduled to take Nathan’s cousin out to a hockey game for his birthday. The game started at 7 p.m. not leaving my brother much time to leave work, downtown, pick up my nephew and head back to campus. I volunteered to pick him up, but it wasn’t until this evening that I realized why. I needed someone else in the car.

Everything went as scheduled, (except our team didn’t win the game) from pickup to meeting for dinner, to heading to the game and heading home. When I got home, Nathan woke up, long enough for me put him to bed and finish the day in the way we both expected. We were back to the usual schedule.

On Saturday, I had some errands to run. Annette said she’d look after Nathan and he’d be able to take a nap while I got my stuff done. I was in the car for almost 30 minutes, by myself. On more that one occasion I’d turn my head to Nathan’s seat expecting to see him there playing, sneaking a nap, or just watching where we were going. I even had a slight panic attack once when I looked back and thought I left him somewhere (this is why I was afraid of being a dad and of babies before.) I found myself starting conversations only to realize I was talking to myself.

Many times I sigh thinking how I have to take Nathan most everywhere I go. The truth is, I don’t think I want it any other way. That evening, I was asked to run quick to the grocery store. Knowing Nathan hadn’t been out of the house, I intentionally let him see me grab my shoes. As on cue, the arms started waving, his way of pleading to go too. I grabbed his coat and the smile filled his face. It was a simple 3-item stop, but all was as ti should be.

It took a hard lesson, and a lot of time, but I now know my role as a dad is more than financial provider. We couldn’t have all of the opportunities Nathan has had without the many hours that Annette puts in at work. It’s been hard on her I know, but it did make me realize how much I need to be a part of Nathan’s life and activities to help him succeed. This year I hope to help Annette pull more financial weight this year, and help her get back some of the time we’ve stolen from her away from Nathan. I love my little shadow and hope he always wants to chase after me.

For the record, there have been some bumps and bruises along the way that have been my fault, but my fear of "breaking my son" has subsided...at least a little.

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