The light at the end of the hallway

April 25, 2010

How many times have you felt like you were a hamster in a wheel running and running, going nowhere while the rest of the world is passing you by? You see others around you and at the far end of the room a lone portal to the outside. You can see the light, but it seems so far away.

This could not be a truer description of Nathan’s life the last six weeks. Replace the hamster wheel with a treadmill and the rest is spot-on. While he hangs on the LiteGait, he stares dreamy-eyed over his shoulder down the long hallway with the open door at the very end. When I look down that hallway, I see 50 feet, for Nathan it can seem like miles.

Nathan’s time in the treadmill study has not been completely a lost cause, but Annette and I were hoping he'd do better. This is no fault of the therapists, but we fear timing is a main factor, as with the weather getting nicer, and the opportunity of opening the door letting fresh air in, we know where his mind really is.

Nathan has always had a fixation on doors, gates, or anything that opens up to someplace new. In the majority of the videos on this site, we show Nathan taking a long walk down a hallway hoping to get somewhere new as a reward. In the first video we have, he's hopping down the hallway in his walker, we had the front door open behind the camera. He was willing to drag his walker just to try to get out of the house.

Watching Nathan walk it really puts into perspective how much effort it takes his 4-year-old legs to get the same distance you or I travel in a matter of seconds. It’s not uncommon for Nathan to put 25-35 paces together, but with his current gait, it may only get him 12-15 feet. At school the hallways are 50, 75, 150 feet long, it can take a lot of time, and a lot of patience, for teachers, helpers, (or parents) to get Nathan to go the full length on his own.

At our church, this week’s sermon focused on Jesus’ statement, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.” (John 8:12 NLT) It really got me thinking about Nathan and his desire to follow the light of the outdoors and enjoy the world that God created. Nathan has shown time and time again, that he has the ability and desire to walk regardless of the distance, striving for the light of the outdoors. Too many times, I see the open door and tell myself, we'll go out there right after I... or think I don't have time, with everything else I have to do. Not Nathan, he's focused on the light and knows that nothing is more important than getting there.

As fast as he wants to get outside, he still waits for someone to go with him. Someone to turn the handle in case the door closes before he gets there. Someone to make sure his happiness can be shared. Once outside, he just wants to bask in all that is good with the outdoors. He takes time to smell the roses and reach the leaves on the trees. He watches as people walk by wondering where each is off to, and how soon the inside will engulf them once again.

It’s another opportunity for me to learn from Nathan as much as he learns from us. We all seem to get caught up with all the activities, therapies, meetings, obligations, and everything else we fill our lives. We don’t take time to follow the light and enjoy the wonderful things in this world. As parents try to provide the best opportunities for Nathan that we can find, but too often we're blind to the free gifts all around us.

Over the last few weeks, spring has officially arrived. Flowers are growing, grass is needing to be cut and even the tree in our front yard, which traditionally is the last to lose it’s leaves in the fall, and the last to bloom in the spring, is showing the buds of a new season’s growth. Spring is an opportunity of new growth, and new possibilities, and new hope.

My goal for this spring is to submit to Nathan’s desire to follow the light, and to fill a little bit of each day surrounded with the growth that each day brings. To leave the hamster wheels behind and make each step count, no matter how small or how many it takes to get where we need to be. May Monday never mean back to work, back to school, or back to the grind. Greet each day with the enthusiasm of a child, and the promise that God always has our best interest in mind.

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