Finally feeling like a father

Dec. 28, 2009

Nathan, as most of you know, is our only child and chances are he probably will be our only. That means I’ve been a dad for a little over four years now, but it’s taken that whole time to make me feel like a true father.

I’ve always been the fun dad. The one who wrestles, tickles, teases, and plays; being silly in the car, at home, or sometimes even in public, just to get Nathan to smile especially for others. I’ve never been good at the tough love. Leaving him in his room to cry, never lasted over 30 minutes. Granted, when crying leads to coughing, which leads to choking, the door opens back up pretty quickly.

I wrote back in November about doing the harder, but right thing, and this year I’ve also tried to apply that to church as well. Spring this year, I came to the realization that I made a statement when Nathan was baptized that I would raise him in the church and teach him God’s word, and up to then I hadn’t really followed through. I made a much more conscience effort to make sure that he would go to church as often as he could, even the weeks when Annette was on-call and it would be just him and me. No, our attendence has not been perfect, but fewer and fewer people come up to us and ask if we’re new. And after our presentation in November, many people have adopted us as new family members, stopping us to have a chance to see Nathan and hopefully sneak a smile from him.

Still, something was missing. This was Nathan’s fourth Christmas, and yet he’d never been to a Christmas Eve service. One of the two services of the year that most people attend and then skip out the rest of the year, and I’ve never took the time to show Nathan what Christmas is really all about. To him, Silent Night, Joy to the World, and Away in a Manger are just songs on the radio. All of the presents, cookies, and parties just go along with any other family gathering, without having any more to think about.

I used to hate when my father would read from Luke, Chapter 2 before opening our family presents Christmas Eve, but now I look back and silently thank him for being a responsible father and not just a teasing dad, wanting to prolong our wait. It's the father I know I need to be, but all too often fall short.

It’s somewhat of a tradition now, for Annette and I to go up to her mom’s Dec. 22-23, go shopping with Annette’s sister-in-law at the mall Christmas Eve, not because they have to but get a chuckle of those who do, then spend Christmas morning/afternoon with her whole family and come back to Westerville and spend Christmas night with mine. It’s worked out great for time with the family, but left us with the void of always being away from our church.

This year, I said that I wanted to go to church for Christmas Eve. My thought was to go to the church where Annette and I were married, at the end of the street where her mom lives. The problem was, they share a pastor with several other churches, and they rotate the location of the service every year, and this was not a year for their location. My mother-in-law rose to the occasion, seeking out two other churches and noting their times to give a choice and help me fulfill my goal. We decided to attend a 4:30 service hoping it would be less crowded than the 7 p.m.

We pulled into the parking lot which only seemed about 70% full with two minutes to spare. I thought this would be great, the parking lot isn’t packed, the church shouldn’t be either. Yet again, I was wrong. The only place with four seats together was the very front pew. So, up to the front we went, not knowing what to expect, looking awkward at times, but knowing my heart was feeling complete, giving Nathan the very true “front row” experience of what Christmas is all about.

The service started off with children playing the bells, followed by several carols that echoed throughout the building. You could see Nathan look around and take everything in. It was a new place, but you could tell that he was seeing what he had missed out up to now. There was a children’s message that he didn’t have to feel nervous about being brought up awkwardly as he could just slide off my knee and stand with all the other kids. The rest of the service went as most do, and they ended up with the congregation singing a candlelit version of Silent Night.

There were several times I had to fight back tears (the sniffles I could pass off as being from my head cold, the gift that Nathan gave me earlier in the week.) This was the Christmas present I wanted, and as much as a new bike to a 12-year-old, I was ecstatic to have everything come true. Everything else over through the night and the next day was just a bonus.

(Luke 2:19) "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." Not that I would ever consider myself worthy to be compared to Mary, but the memories that this Christmas has brought will forever fill my heart with fullness and love. Nathan, this is what Christmas is all about.

Special thanks again go out to: my family (including in-laws) for their generosity and thoughtfulness both over the Christmas holiday and throughout the year, to Annette who keeps the family on-track and moving forward, and of course to Nathan, who reminds me what it’s like to have dreams of a child, but most of all how great it is to be his dad and now, finally feel like a father.

I hope your Christmas was just as special, and we wish you good luck and many blessings in the new year.

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